The Sportswriters Demise

Hello kids, and welcome to Friday's edition of The Daily Suckie. We have many reasons to be thankful that it is the end of the week: We finally can get some sleep, no work for a few days, and most importantly, we get a 2 day break from Shanoff and the Daily Quickie (link on the left as usual). Now, I know what you are thinking. "Rocke, besides being so damn studly, why do you even bother reading that garbage?" Well my friends, I do it to entertain you (ie: our non-existent audience) as well as inform. I know Adam feels the same way, but we want to influence any future journalists to actually write coherent pieces of work. That and we really like to take morons down a notch or two. Anyway, on to the show! In today's Quickie, we are forced to reckon with:

Get This - Old Material:
"'Who's your daddy?!'"
Before I even tackle the monstrosity that is his first point, let me just take the time to quickly address the fact that this phrase was painfully overused by the beginning of the ALCS last year. Yet Shanoff, always the comedian 4 steps behind everyone else, STILL f-ing uses this phrase. The phrase wasn't even funny outside of the confines of Yankee Stadium, but that doesn't stop him.

Not only this, but we are also treated to his 13th rip this week on the Detroit PA announcer in his "Big 5" section. Hey Danny Boy, here is a tip for when you are touring comedy clubs: overusing unfunny jokes isn't going to win you over too many fans. But I hear jamming a rusty wire into your peehole will bring down the house. Keep that in mind when Dave Coulier is taking you to the shed.

Ignoring of His Own Damn Predictions, While Trying to Pretend He Knew What the Hell He Was Talking About:
This is truly why Shanoff is a despicable writer. I challenge anyone who thinks we are too hard on this guy to read his lead item today and not come away loathing this asshole. The following three points are brought up in today's column as a "review" of the Finals series -

"Totally wrong: Early-week bandwagon-leapers who thought the Pistons would get swept, after those first two beat-downs in San Antonio."
You can feel the "I told you so" permeating from this line. The only problem with that is the fact that THIS LINE DESCRIBES HIS OWN DAMN SELF! He was turning against Detroit as soon as they lost game 1, and all but declared them dead by game 2. Now suddenly, Mr. High and Mighty is going to call these people totally wrong and not even mention the fact that he was proudly pulling said bandwagon less than 5 days ago? It wouldn't be so bad if he used the word "We were totally wrong." But to hit out against a group that he was prominantly involved with, and then cop a "I told you so" demeanor is irresponsible, condescending, and most of all, plain dumb. Hey cocksore, most people have the superpower of being able to remember things that were said more than a day ago. You may wipe yourself clean every night when it comes to allegiances or trying to think of jokes, but the rest of the world doesn't. ESAD (I will let you come up with what I am trying to say to Shanoff here).

"Wildly inaccurate: 2004 Finals amnesiacs who predicted the Spurs would/could win 2 of 3 in Detroit to ease through the Finals in 5."
Damn those who made this prediction! Damn those dirty apes to hell! So, let's try to seem like a genius by showing that those who thought the Spurs would have an easy time were wrong. And let's show that this prediction was way off based by condescendingly mentioning the 2004 Finals (seeing how the Pistons were the winners). Gee, isn't that interesting that you brought this point up earlier in your pre-Finals predictions? Are you trying to pat yourself on the back for the fact that you mentioned the Pistons would win the Finals this year because they won last year? I can't see where you are going with that, because you are way too damn respectable (/end sarcasm). Now that is all fine and dandy if you think your prediction is looking good. The only problem with that is that YOU WERE F-ING TAKLING ABOUT HOW THE PISTONS WOULD BE SWEPT AFTER GAMES 1 AND 2!! So the people who predicted the Spurs in 5 are obviously ignorant morons who ignore history. But people who predict sweeps after the first game do not deserve to be pointed out. This my friends is why Shanoff is not only a terrible columnist, but a douchekettle as well.

"Not too shabby: Those who predicted the Pistons would make it competitive once the series went back to Detroit."
Let's try to pat ourselves on the back some more Shanny, because you are trying to insinuate that you did this. The only problem is that you didn't. You said, and I quote, "The only thing that might save the Pistons from the humiliation of a sweep is the psychological edge from the NBA's non sequitur switch to a 2-3-2 Finals format". Interesting. That doesn't sound like quite the endorsement from you. But why would you ever refer to what you said in the past when you don't ever have a set opinion?

After reading this today in the Quickie, I am making it my mission to get this guy fired. If you want in, let me know.

A Disastrous Attempt At Humor:
"The NCAA's dour busybodies known as the Knight Commission will recommend that bowl-game halftime shows become 'more collegiate,' presumably after last year's Ashlee Simpson debacle... would they recommend the float with the frat guys pouring GHB into the grain punch? Or the one with the professor giving the snotty students the inflated grade they demand?"
I have never wanted to say "don't quit your day job" more after a joke, but I actually really want him to in this case. Now this my friends is a dillemma.

Cheap Promotion:
"Father's Day Gifts... ESPN.com's Crasnick... Jim Caple's book"
Maybe ESPN.com is forcing his hand here and making him recommend books by ESPN authors. Or maybe he is trying to get on these guys' good sides so he doesn't get fired. Either way, his promotion of other ESPN columnists when making recommendations is pretty lame. It wouldn't be so bad if he didn't always do this. News flash! This just in: Dan Shanoff is a joke.

Finally, Some Sanity!:
"Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are engaged. Someone, please: Stop the madness."
Seeing something I agree with or an opinion I respect generally happens once every few months at the Quickie. When it does happen, it is so glaring that it must be mentioned. So in light of the absurdity that is Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes' (why Katie, why!?) relationship, I must say Shanoff at least has the right mindset in this instance.

Well kids, I hope I didn't scare you too much. Sometimes though, the Quickie is so absurd that it requires some tough talk from us at TSD. Today was one of those days. Anyway, our friend Adam will be back on Monday with the Suckie. Have a great weekend, and keep reaching for the stars!